‘What sprocket left that bike there?’ My life as a pedestrian in badly behaved Britain

I’m all for cycle hire schemes, but nothing brings out the grumpy old man in me like e-bikes strewn across the pavement

The album is called Lime Slime. Sixty photos on my phone of e-bikes dumped in the middle of the pavement, blocking street crossings and obstructing entrances, in a tangle of wheels and fluoro frames.

My walk to the tube in south London takes five minutes. It's clubland, so you would expect to dodge frazzled partiers and pavement pizzas. But, most mornings, I stop three or four times because some absolute sprocket has left their rental bike sideways across the path. I take a picture of this small, fleeting discourtesy because I can't believe someone has done something so obviously daft – passersby look at me oddly; it's not premium Instagram content, I know – then I drag it out of the way and stand it next to a wall.

What are they thinking, the spanner sets who leave these clunking great machines wherever it suits them? Nothing, surely. Unlock it (lots of kids don't bother and just put up with the click-clack noise), ride it where you want, leave it where it suits: that's the deal. Because they are electric, you can wear normal clothes to ride and sail up hills without turning into a sweaty mess. You can pretend you are doing exercise.

But they are a low-grade nuisance, too. A few years ago, the menace for pedestrians was scooters silently rushing up behind and past you; if you didn't look over your shoulder before you moved, one could take you out. Now, it's up to the walkers to negotiate stationary obstacle courses. I wonder how elderly and disabled people and parents with prams manage.

There are usually several bikes at the entrance to the station, each presumably abandoned in flight by a busy-busy rushy-rushy little spoke who had to leap on a train to continue their vital mission. Maybe it's one of those off-limits areas where you can't operate the bike, so they have dumped it in desperation. Lime says riders are required to take an "end-trip photo" of how they park and that these photos are reviewed, with users warned and fined for mis-parking, but this doesn't seem to prevent the problem.

They have become urban pests. I see them propped up in cycle lanes and in the middle of the road at junctions. The oddest parking – I can't believe it's accidental – is on the kerb at pedestrian crossings. It's as if riders are trolling those losers who have chosen to walk. This metal litter is an extra-fun thing to watch out for on nocturnal strolls.

If I sound harsh on Lime bikes, know that I love them. Except the ones (most of them) with baskets full of takeaway wrappers and bottles. In my part of town, you can usually find a ride nearby whenever you need it. Probably in the middle of the road, because that is where some little hand pump will have dropped it the minute they were done with it.

You see some Dotts and Tiers discarded in everyone's way, too. Not many Human Forest bikes, though, because you have to leave them in designated zones (they clutter an entire corner in my neighbourhood) or pay a £1.50 fee. They are dark green, which is chic, but possibly easier to walk into at night. Swings and roundabouts, I suppose.